on my weakness spot

sometimes I think I tough enough. I can reach anything that I want because of my effort. But this world not always smile at me, like now. I just can think positive, take the positiveness from what was happen to me.

And the result is I grumble with this fucking condition and didn't care with my self. God, I am really really tortured with this. I need you, need your shoulder so I can cry on.. So fragile here.

I wish I can disappear, run from this reality. I know I am not good enough, but I promise to my self that I should be better.

I should keep my spirit, do something for my life. Sure, I can reach my dream.

Happy Birthday Dad..

PRAYER
Oh God-our heavenly Father.
Oh, God-and my father
Who is also in heaven.
May the light of this
Flickering candle
Illuminate the night the way
Your spirit illuminates my soul.

Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you see me?
Papa can you find me in the night?
Papa are you near me?
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you help me not be frightened?
Looking at the skies I seem to see
A million eyes which ones are yours?
Where are you now that yesterday
Has waved goodbye
And closed its doors?
The night is so much darker;
The wind is so much colder;
The world I see is so much bigger
Now that I'm alone.
Papa, please forgive me.
Try to understand me;
Papa, don’t you know I had no choice?
Can you hear me praying,
Anything I'm saying
Even though the night is filled with voices?
I remember everything you taught me
Every book 1've ever read...
Can all the words in all the books
Help me to face what lies ahead?
The trees are so much taller
And I feel so much smaller;
The moon is twice as lonely
And the stars are half as bright...
Papa, how I love you...
Papa, how I need you.
Papa, how I miss you
Kissing me good night...

Dad.. today is your birthday. I want to say Happy birthday.. 5 years gone so fast, and 5 years I can't see you..

Dad, could you see me? could you know my feeling?
sorry for my mistake, I know you may be disappoint because of what I did. If you know my feeling, how's my heart broken, this disappointed, this loneliness... Just wish I can face this.. Although I feel my life no longer.

Miss u dad..

daftar keinginan

nggak terasa dah bulan September saja.. ada beberapa keinginan yang ingin saya wujudkan, moga-moga terwujud next year ato tahun ini, hehehe...

Dapat kerjaan baru
since I moved to the new position, my desire to leave this institution getting high. As a result, I looking for another job.
I failed on OXFAM test (actually I want that job, not only I could leave this f***ing condition, but also for silly reason that I could explained it).
I think with my qualification, I could get job easily. I still looking for good job that suitable for me. (do you know?)

Get scholarship
another way to leave this condition is by getting scholarship. I still on my try to get it. Wish GOD make it easily for me. I looking for some scholarship, but so far I just send 1 application. I'll try more and more till I get.
so, I took some course, preparing my proposal research (but till now I stuck at it), looking for university and contact the professor. still on my trying, but for professor, I've just contact a professor in Germany, but he is not yet answer my email.

Having vocation
Actually I want go to Mentawai, to meet new and different experience. Or go to Riau, for exploring my research deeply.
But I've planned traveling to Ho chi minh, vietnam next year (on Februari).
Wish I could get opportunity to attend the workshop that I have applied, so I could go to Bangkok.

write my novel, write more
I wish I could publish my novel, and it can inspiring everyone with my way of writing. Also write more and more (also could publish it). I don't know, why now it's easily for me to get stuck, but I hope I can jump from that situation. I'm sure I can do better.

Prove them who I am
It's difficult. Since I know this unfairness, I promise to my self. I want prove them who I am, that I am qualified person, I can meet everything. (it's hard more over it tends me become cynical..)

Get high TOEFL score
I wish I could reach more than 600 points at TOEFL.

akay.. segini aja dulu ah..